I took this post from my other blog. I never actually posted it, because I knew the comments I'd get. Or the lack thereof. I had simmered it down a bit (a lot) for that blog. I just wanted to put it here, because...I don't know why, I just did.
This post is going to be very stream of consciousness. And honestly, I don't even know if I'm going to post it, because I'd probably offend a lot of people. You know, all 20 that check out my blog.
It seems like I have my own invisibility cloak. And it seems that I constantly have it on. Because a lot of times I feel like...I'm not even here. That no one notices me. I'm not saying I want to be famous and have paparazzi following me around, because I don't. But just a little recognition. Or maybe some friends would be nice. You know. Someone that would miss me if I died.
Because right now, if I died, I honestly don't think anyone would notice. Or care. The kids would notice when dinner wasn't made for them. And they wouldn't care so much that I'm gone, but the person that gets them the food and changes their butts etc. is gone, and who cares that it's mom? Just as long as it's done, that's what they care about.
And what about my funeral? Who would come? My family, I think. If they could fit it in. If it wasn't too inconvenient. I really couldn't say for Bill's family. Other than that... Like I said, I just...don't matter to anyone. I think the reaction to my death would be, "Huh. Who's gonna take care of the kids now?"
And really, I only have myself to blame. I'm the introvert. Just barely, I've started to get to know people in my neighborhood.
I was way more social in college. I knew everyone in my complex; my roommates and I would throw parties all the time. We would get 10 or so calls on Friday afternoon from other groups of people wondering what we were doing, because people wanted to hang out with us. We'd basically have 20-ish people over every night until all hours. For the first time, I truly felt cool. But then, come to find out, my roommates actually didn't like me at all. I thought we were all really tight, awesome friends, but in reality they could barely tolerate me. It sucked to find that out.
And pre-college...I kind of wandered my whole life from group to group. Not really fitting in anywhere. You know those girls that become friends in 1st grade and are still friends at 70? That's not me at all. I have one friend that's been my friend since I was 14. But we've gone to different schools and lived in different cities since then. So, am I a "she's nice from a distance and all..." kind of person? Perhaps so.
I'm not trying to dis the girls that are my friends. Well, at least the girls I consider friends. But what if it's college all over again, where I really like them, but they don't like me? Where they're just too nice to say, "Uh, leave me alone"?
Back to the whole funeral thing. What would even be said? "Um, she was a mom...and, uh..." I don't even think an adjective could be placed in front of "mom", like "great mom" or "good mom". I'm just kind of an average mom. And right now, not even liking that title all that much. This weekend just...pushed me over the edge. I seriously contemplated grabbing my purse and heading out the door for a couple of days, because I'm so sick of cleaning up messes and dealing with whines and fights amongst the kids and...just all of it. And sick of being ignored by my kids and my husband, and life. I'm the servant. The slave. As long as the house is clean, the meal is cooked, the laundry done, the kids are fed, then that's it. Like I said, invisible.
I'm tired of giving. I don't ever "get" in return. Just a "thanks" or an "I love you" or a hug or something. Or "Why don't you sit down and I'll cook tonight?" or a "Can I watch your kids for a while?" Something where it can be about me for once.
I've become so invisible I don't even see myself. I know I'm somewhere inside of me, screaming to get out and be liked and be noticed. But I'm buried, beneath housework, and children, and my insecurities. So, where am I? What am I doing wrong, where I feel like a slave to my husband, kids, and house? Because I don't think that every mom feels like this.
And then what if I reach out and try to be friends with people, only to find out later that when I leave the party or whatever they roll their eyes and talk about how annoying/boring/awful I am? Basically, I'm friendless, personality-less, and kind of unhappy and disgusted with myself at what I've become, what I've made myself into. And I don't know how to change it, how to like me again, or how to get other people to like me, including my kids and husband.
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms... >:P.
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4 comments:
i feel this way sometimes. i only have a few friends, and really-we have the most fun when we are drinking or partying, something that we rarely do since i have children now. it's hard to realize that i have not made those life long friends that are supposed to pick me up when i'm down and support me like the girls in sex and the city. it still sorta bugs me to know that i don't really have friends that i see and visit on a reg basis.
i think you are being hard on yourself by saying that people think you are "annoying/boring/awful". if people really thought that they wouldn't waste their time, right? i also think that it's normal to feel like a slave to your family. it's hard to be visible when it's your job to take care of kids, to help them grow up into responsible members of society.
i'm sorry you are feeling invisible. any chance that you can talk to your husband about this? my husband once told me that if something was bothering me, i needed to be honest and open with him about it because he was not intuitive enough to notice on his own.
keep your head up! =)
I will tell you this. EVERYONE mom feels invisible sometimes. Every single one of them. It's a very thankless job.
Besides that, it seams like that istance with the shallow roomates scarred you for life. I know it's hard (I have some scarrs too) but you have to enjoy life for the moment... if after the fact you find out someone was being a butt, then that is their loss. Not yours! You weren't the one being the shallow nitwit.
That being said. I hate feeling left out, even if it is just a perception... it's still sucks. Take some down time for you! and I'm not talking about a trip to the grocery store sans kids... I mean, take yourself out to a movie, or maybe do something you like to do that other people put the kabash on.
Even an ice cream run or something would be good :) Hope you start liking yourself again soon. it's always best to be your own best friend... then have others on top of that for a boost.
Since I'm allowed to be anonymous here, I'll comment.
This sounds so much like me. I was never one to have lots of friends but enough. We moved a lot so I was always either the new girl or the one who left and I guess it is too much work for most people to keep in touch over the years (beyond the cursory Christmas card...now e-card?!).
In college I had a group of friends and when I was in my early twenties I had a group of friends...but everyone moved on. It seemed to me like they kept in touch with each other but never me.
In times I needed help and reached out, I got silence.
I don't feel invisible exactly, but I do feel like I don't matter enough to anyone. My kids I do, but not anyone else. Sure, people would cry at my funeral (I tend to think only immediate family would bother to be inconvenienced to be there)...but because it's what you do. People die, you cry.
I can't think of a single person (adult) in the world that thinks I matter in a significant way to them. I don't know if it's me or if over the years I've attached myself with worthless people and this is the consequence of that. I really don't know.
At this point I only want to make my life matter enough for me and my kids - but I wonder sometimes what it is like to be the person someone calls when they need a friend or the woman some man thinks lights up the world.
I may never know. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone in feeling the way you feel.
Hee hee, at least you have 20 who read your other blog; I have 8. For real, but that's because I keep it private and don't know that many people to invite. Not that I would anyway. I'm much too private of a person.
I have felt the same that you do for a long time and too have longed for that "Sex and the City" friendship that C14,000 talked about. But I don't put myself out there which is probably why nobody around here knows me very well.
I have found one good friend recently and we understand each other and now are building a solid friendship. It just takes time. And I'm fine having one good friend that I can confide in while the others are just people that I know. You just have to work to find that friend that you click with, but that may involve getting burned along the way. And that's a scary thing to do. Believe me, I know. Which is why only 8 people read my other blog.
Take care of you and know that EVERY mom feels invisible. It's not until the kids are all grown up that we start to be seen again. Hang in there. And know that I like you. =)
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