Blah

I've noticed that my pink apartment posts are really scatterbrained, and not really thought out. They may be hard to follow. Sorry about that. On my other blog I think things through, and read my posts about 20 times before posting to make sure they make sense. Here I'm just...spewing. But really, it's mostly for me to just get it out anyway. Oh, and really, I am a happy, easy-going person. This is like...my empty forest that I can yell into and no one can hear it or get offended.

Well, I'm off the anti-depressants now. And I've been in a funk since. Just weepy about everything. And more snappy with the kids. Not as bad as before, so I hope this is just my body getting used to being completely off. But we'll see.

Bill and I got into a huge fight on Sunday. He's a online gamer, and he's been spending way too much time online. And I feel threatened, and I feel like he does it because he doesn't want to be with me or the kids, that his online buddies and online fake life is better than his real one. And he insists that that's not it, but how can I help but feel that way if that's the reality of the situation?

Anyway, we talked about it, and he said he'd scale back on playing. But he's been on nonstop since. Honestly, I want to say "me or the game?" I need to be more mature about it, but I don't want to be a doormat, either. Ugh. You know, if I had a hobby that he detested as much as I detest his, I would quit, for him. But men are way too selfish for that. Or maybe it's just Bill, but I think most men are like that.

Christmas is coming. And I keep stressing about money. We're not planning on getting anything for each other, because we have made a few large purchases throughout the year. And we're only getting one toy for each kid and a couple of DVDs, and that's it. I don't even know if we'll be able to afford that, though. I mean, we can pay our bills, but there's no wiggle room anywhere, either. If I were better with money, I'd set some aside every month to accumulate for Christmas, but I don't.

I'm sick of having debt, but we keep getting in deeper. I pay so much on the credit card every month, but it's not getting paid off, it's just either stagnant or slowly getting larger. Ugh. So I kind of have this twisting, churning feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about our debt, and about Christmas. And someday I want to take the kids to Disneyland, but at the rate we're going they'll be 30 before we can afford it!

Well, I think that's it for now. Just wanted to complain for a bit.

Retracted

I spoke entirely too soon last post. That night I felt like I was going crazy. And this last week has been up and down, and just plain hard. But it could also be PMS kicking into gear at the same time.

Yesterday Bill promised he'd do the dishes. And of course he didn't. And instead of me blowing it off because he was tired from work, or whatever else, I took it very personally, that he should help me out once in a while, that I was super tired and already doing 20 other things. And then my head spins this whole martyr speech, about how I'm a slave in the house, how he doesn't love me or appreciate me, how he's only interested in me because I give him sex, and how I should stop having sex with him until he appreciates me for the other things I do for him and the kids, etc. etc. etc. This speech spins in my head about once a month for a few days. My classic PMS symptom. Will I ever verbalize the speech? Nope. Because then Bill will give me the look of "Oh, you're PMS-ing, aren't you, poor dear? Well, then, this doesn't really matter." Drives me crazy.

Thing is, PMS gives me the guts to actually speak out on the things that bug me all the time, that I normally let slide. I really wish I could be more blunt. Blunt people bother me to an extent, but in a way I admire them at the same time, because they say the things that I feel like I can't to others, because then I'd be just rude, and they'll hate me for life, but the blunt people? They can get away with it.

Oh, and I'm not voting today. Not because I don't think it's important, but because the thought of packing up my kids to go stand in line, and not knowing if I can register to vote the same day as voting, is overwhelming to me. That's a classic depression/weaning off the drugs feeling, I think.

I have a couple more weeks of weaning, and then I'll see how things are for a few weeks after that, and if I slip back into depression, then I'm going to get some help again, whether it's drugs or a therapist, or whatever may end up working. Pray for me, Constances!