I have been so angry at Bill this last week. And I don't even think he knows it. Well, I'm sure he's somewhat aware of it, but either he doesn't care to know or doesn't realize the extent of the anger and frustration.
I've mentioned before that Bill plays an online game. And honestly, I feel like it's replaced me in our relationship. He's played for about a year now, and he'll get more and more deep into the game, where he spends every waking minute at home on this game. I'll bottle my feelings, hope that he gets sick of it, and then I end up exploding at him because I'm so tired of being ignored. He apologizes, cuts back on his playing for a little bit. And then it creeps back up. And the cycle continues.
For a while we had a schedule; he would play certain days and then we'd do something as a couple or a family, or he'd do something different. But one day, on the day that he wasn't supposed to play, he said, "I don't care." And then kept playing. It was like a slap in the face. He might as well have said "I don't care about you." Because that's what it felt like. Again, an apology that night.
But actions speak louder than words.
He says he's sorry, but then goes right on playing, right on ignoring me and the kids.
The week before this last one he didn't play at all. It was probably the best week I've had in the last year. Granted, he was sick, so he didn't do much of anything, and I basically had to take care of him. But he wasn't playing his stupid game. Last Thursday he started playing again, and hasn't stopped. He told me today he wasn't going to play tonight. I don't believe him. Because last night he was only supposed to be on for an hour, and he was on for three.
Honestly, I can't live like this any more. I don't want it to be down to choose me or the game, but I'm just so frustrated. It's turning into me being angry with him about more than the game. I feel consumed by anger and frustration toward him, and that's no way for me, or a marriage, to function.
Oh yeah. He doesn't ignore me when he wants sex.
His actions remind me of his mother. She's the epitome of the phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". She'll say she wants to come to visit, and regrets not seeing her grandchildren as much, but does she come to visit? Nope. He's said before "I'm sorry I'm such a crappy husband." But then he doesn't do anything about it. Instead he gets mopey, acts all "I suck", and then...quits. One night he said, "You need a better husband." And I agreed with him in my head. Now, the last thing I want is a divorce. But our marriage as is? Not working whatsoever.
I went and talked to our clergyman about it, the day he said "I don't care". The clergyman offered some good advice, telling me that I need to act with love instead of anger. I need to entice him with fun things to do with me or the family. I tried it. On Monday there was a Christmas concert going on that I had heard of. I said "Let's go as a family". He said, "No. You can go and take the kids, but I'm not going."
I just keep wondering where we, or I, went wrong. And I don't know what to do. I know I should act with love, but so much of me wants to act in anger and attack him and fight to MAKE it my way. I keep wondering if we should see a marriage counselor, but we have no money for something like that. I don't want to give up on us, but I'm tired of pulling and pushing and trying for our marriage when he doesn't put forth any effort. I think he thinks that because he's the breadwinner, that that's all he has to contribute to our family. I feel like we're drifting more and more apart. He says, "The problem is, we have no interests in common, so how can you expect us to spend any time together?" And I say, "We need to find common interests." But then he pulls "the last thing I want to do after being gone all day from home is to leave home again".
Do any of you Constances or Constance readers have any advice for me? Please help.
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6 comments:
Okay, this is how it sounds to me. Granted, Ihave only read one post, so I'm no expert, you know your sitch better than me and all that, so please take this with a grain of salt. BUT:
It sounds like your husband has a pretty strong gambling addiction (and if it's not gambling he's doing, then it's just a regular old online-addiction). Just the way you describe his constant playing, and his inability (almost to the point where he physically cannot get away from it) to stop playing, even when he says he will, the way it's becoming the most important thing in his life, etc really sounds that way. Ie, have a look at this website and see if he falls into the categories: http://www.777.com/articles/seven-warning-signs-of-a-gambling-addiction also, see this one: http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Signs-of-Addiction---5-Minute-Addiction-Evaluator&id=1679370
This is what needs to be addressed. All the marriage counselling in the world won't help until that is addressed. Imagine it's like an alcohol addiction. Getting marriage counselling's not going to fix the root problem (and, of course, there's gotta be a root problem as to why he's addicted to this gaming in the first place, but you get my drift).
Perhaps if you start seeing it as a bona fide addiction, and not just cos he doesn't really value you or the marriage, it might make it easier for you to pick the steps to work through this.
Look, like I said, I'm not expert, so I could be way out of line here; I'm just basing this on your post. But it sounds like more than just a love of gaming to me.
Good luck and hope things get better.
Honey, I'm so sorry about this. :(
My husband is a gamer, too, and plays online late at night. He usually only does it on weekend nights, but where it hits me is that he stays up really late (to "preserve" the time while the rest of the family is awake), but then he can't WAKE the heck up the next morning. Well, DUH. But it leaves me by myself most weekend mornings with the kids and I let him get away with it.
It's not the same as what you're dealing with, but as a fellow gamer-wife, I just wanted to say I HEAR YA. Some of those games are literally a different world, and just SUCK people in mentally and physically. I think it IS an addiction in many cases.
I hope you and your husband can work this out. I wish I had advice for you. I think you're doing all the right things so far, talking to your minister, and to him. He's GOT to put some effort into his relationship with YOU, though. You deserve that.
I just wanted to say that I hear you big time about the husband saying, "I've been gone all day and don't want to leave again." Well DUDE- I've been HERE all day, the last thing I want to do is STAY some more!
And for the rest, I have no advise, only sympathy, big time. My husband doesn't game too much, although he can really get into Civilization sometimes. And he does the thing Constance the 14th was talking about, where he'll wait to play until everyone else is in bed, which SEEMS considerate, until it's Saturday morning and he doesn't get up until eleven even though I've been up with the kids since seven thirty.
I'm kinda with Susan on this one: it sounds like an addiction to me. It's something that I am familar with so I can see the cycle and the similarities. Whether it's porn, gambling, online game playing, sex, alchol, the attributes of an addict tend to be the same. And that is something that has to be addressed one way or another.
I agree with what everyone else says. And I'll add that your question about where "we, or I, went wrong" is missing a blameable party. It sounds pretty certain that he's the one going wrong here.
If it's not an addiction, it's certainly a case of screwed priorities. We spend time on things that are important to us, like my husband and the tv. It's never off and he never spends family time with us unless I practically rip him off the couch. I don't have any answers for you but I certainly get what you're going through.
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