Continuation

It's been a while. Well, Bill quit his game. For three months. And they were the best three months of our marriage. Well, the best three months in a long time, I guess. Then he started playing again.

Tonight he got mad at me. Because I was using the internet on the "other" computer (the lesser computer, if you will-if he's home, he uses the newer computer), and it was slowing down his game. Stupid game.

And I've been sick. Heaven forbid that he should step up and take care of the kids, or help take care of me. Oh, no. I get to do all of my usual crap while feeling like crap. What a jerk. He even has this week of work off. I can bet a billion dollars what he'll be doing the whole time. Not spending it with me. He'll be spending it with his first love-his game.

Why, why, why?

Frustration

I have been so angry at Bill this last week. And I don't even think he knows it. Well, I'm sure he's somewhat aware of it, but either he doesn't care to know or doesn't realize the extent of the anger and frustration.

I've mentioned before that Bill plays an online game. And honestly, I feel like it's replaced me in our relationship. He's played for about a year now, and he'll get more and more deep into the game, where he spends every waking minute at home on this game. I'll bottle my feelings, hope that he gets sick of it, and then I end up exploding at him because I'm so tired of being ignored. He apologizes, cuts back on his playing for a little bit. And then it creeps back up. And the cycle continues.

For a while we had a schedule; he would play certain days and then we'd do something as a couple or a family, or he'd do something different. But one day, on the day that he wasn't supposed to play, he said, "I don't care." And then kept playing. It was like a slap in the face. He might as well have said "I don't care about you." Because that's what it felt like. Again, an apology that night.

But actions speak louder than words.

He says he's sorry, but then goes right on playing, right on ignoring me and the kids.

The week before this last one he didn't play at all. It was probably the best week I've had in the last year. Granted, he was sick, so he didn't do much of anything, and I basically had to take care of him. But he wasn't playing his stupid game. Last Thursday he started playing again, and hasn't stopped. He told me today he wasn't going to play tonight. I don't believe him. Because last night he was only supposed to be on for an hour, and he was on for three.

Honestly, I can't live like this any more. I don't want it to be down to choose me or the game, but I'm just so frustrated. It's turning into me being angry with him about more than the game. I feel consumed by anger and frustration toward him, and that's no way for me, or a marriage, to function.

Oh yeah. He doesn't ignore me when he wants sex.

His actions remind me of his mother. She's the epitome of the phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". She'll say she wants to come to visit, and regrets not seeing her grandchildren as much, but does she come to visit? Nope. He's said before "I'm sorry I'm such a crappy husband." But then he doesn't do anything about it. Instead he gets mopey, acts all "I suck", and then...quits. One night he said, "You need a better husband." And I agreed with him in my head. Now, the last thing I want is a divorce. But our marriage as is? Not working whatsoever.

I went and talked to our clergyman about it, the day he said "I don't care". The clergyman offered some good advice, telling me that I need to act with love instead of anger. I need to entice him with fun things to do with me or the family. I tried it. On Monday there was a Christmas concert going on that I had heard of. I said "Let's go as a family". He said, "No. You can go and take the kids, but I'm not going."

I just keep wondering where we, or I, went wrong. And I don't know what to do. I know I should act with love, but so much of me wants to act in anger and attack him and fight to MAKE it my way. I keep wondering if we should see a marriage counselor, but we have no money for something like that. I don't want to give up on us, but I'm tired of pulling and pushing and trying for our marriage when he doesn't put forth any effort. I think he thinks that because he's the breadwinner, that that's all he has to contribute to our family. I feel like we're drifting more and more apart. He says, "The problem is, we have no interests in common, so how can you expect us to spend any time together?" And I say, "We need to find common interests." But then he pulls "the last thing I want to do after being gone all day from home is to leave home again".

Do any of you Constances or Constance readers have any advice for me? Please help.

Blah

I've noticed that my pink apartment posts are really scatterbrained, and not really thought out. They may be hard to follow. Sorry about that. On my other blog I think things through, and read my posts about 20 times before posting to make sure they make sense. Here I'm just...spewing. But really, it's mostly for me to just get it out anyway. Oh, and really, I am a happy, easy-going person. This is like...my empty forest that I can yell into and no one can hear it or get offended.

Well, I'm off the anti-depressants now. And I've been in a funk since. Just weepy about everything. And more snappy with the kids. Not as bad as before, so I hope this is just my body getting used to being completely off. But we'll see.

Bill and I got into a huge fight on Sunday. He's a online gamer, and he's been spending way too much time online. And I feel threatened, and I feel like he does it because he doesn't want to be with me or the kids, that his online buddies and online fake life is better than his real one. And he insists that that's not it, but how can I help but feel that way if that's the reality of the situation?

Anyway, we talked about it, and he said he'd scale back on playing. But he's been on nonstop since. Honestly, I want to say "me or the game?" I need to be more mature about it, but I don't want to be a doormat, either. Ugh. You know, if I had a hobby that he detested as much as I detest his, I would quit, for him. But men are way too selfish for that. Or maybe it's just Bill, but I think most men are like that.

Christmas is coming. And I keep stressing about money. We're not planning on getting anything for each other, because we have made a few large purchases throughout the year. And we're only getting one toy for each kid and a couple of DVDs, and that's it. I don't even know if we'll be able to afford that, though. I mean, we can pay our bills, but there's no wiggle room anywhere, either. If I were better with money, I'd set some aside every month to accumulate for Christmas, but I don't.

I'm sick of having debt, but we keep getting in deeper. I pay so much on the credit card every month, but it's not getting paid off, it's just either stagnant or slowly getting larger. Ugh. So I kind of have this twisting, churning feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about our debt, and about Christmas. And someday I want to take the kids to Disneyland, but at the rate we're going they'll be 30 before we can afford it!

Well, I think that's it for now. Just wanted to complain for a bit.

Bill

It will seem in these posts that I knock on Bill a lot. I really do love the man, but there are some things that bother me about him. Just little things, really. He loves me, and I love him, and he and I love the kids.

But when he wants sex all the time and I never want sex, that tends to get under my skin. Or when I ask him to help me out with the kids or the housework, and he sits on his butt. Things like that. I thought I'd just give you a heads up, just in case you wonder about my marriage.